I started this blog right now because I needed a place to put down the things I am going through without fear of having anything come back to bite me in the ass. Let me just put it out there. I want a man I can’t have. Not because we can’t be together, but, because the relationship would make our already complicated lives worse. We are both separated and in the process of divorces so we wouldn’t be violating any trusts. Except, that, he is my soon to be ex-husband’s half brother. They were not raised together and have no relationship to speak of. They never formed the brother bond so him being in a relationship with me, although unusual, would not be breaking up any sibling code of conduct. He just can’t give his heart to me, actually if the truth be told, I don’t think he can give his heart to anyone except his kids and because of that I am afraid to give mine to him even though I have wanted this man for close to 10 years. There has been some unidentifiable attraction between us. We had an encounter briefly about 9 years ago but I was married and he had just started a divorce from his first wife. We cut off the relationship but I have to admit I thought of him periodically over the next few years. He found out through a friend that I had been separated for a while back in September. He struck up a conversation I am sure now to see whether that same spark was still there. We very quickly found out it definitely was. We talked for 3 months before we ever agreed to go out together. We quickly realized that the sexual attraction was as strong as it was before but we both had to deal with our divorces before we could pursue any kind of real relationship, if we ever wanted to get to that level. Neither one of was sure. We agreed that we would have a friends with benefits kind of relationship and I was okay with that for a while…just like it always is…however, eventually we all know someone winds up hurt…I knew when I went into this thing with my eyes open that somewhere along the way I would be the one to lose my heart to him. I decided to keep this relationship very low-key and not really tell anyone that I was talking to, sleeping with, or whatever it is we do. None of my close friends really know who he is so I don’t have a lot of people to confide in. The major problem is I want this man, I can’t even begin to describe why though. He has no idea that I feel this way and I want to tell him so badly to either get it out there and we deal with it together or, the most likely scenario, it comes out and he closes himself off again. I know either way I will be the one sitting on the side trying to figure out why he won’t let me in. He is the one I think of when I want to laugh or cry, he is the one whose texts or calls I miss throughout the day. I have no idea how he feels about me because he keeps himself so closed from any emotion except when he talks about his kids. He lights up, his love for them is so obvious. We have been together intimately and I love his smell, his skin, his body touching me. The little things that most would not notice are what keeps me wanting him and coming back for more. When we are together, before I leave, he will pull me close and just breathe in my smell like he has to have the memory to take with him. It is a deep slow inhale trying to get as much of me on him as he can before he has to let me go. Does that seem like a man that does not care? I don’t know. I have told him on more than one occasion that if he doesn’t want this to continue to just let me know so we can move forward. I won’t lie it will hurt but this dance we are doing now is going to drive me insane. I back off he moves forward…I start to come closer and seek him out more and he retreats. I don’t know what to do. I want to laugh and cry and hug and kiss and make love and fuck all at the same time and I can’t figure out what he wants to do. In the early stage of this thing we both said we could be open about our feelings and not fear the other getting angry but there is only so far I am willing to let him in because I am afraid he will not let me in or not want me the way I want him. I am so freaking confused right now that I feel like a 15 year-old girl just discovering boys and I don’t like it. I am an accomplished business owner who has a college education, speak 2 languages fluently , make 6 figures annually and he makes me question myself. He hasn’t done anything that is hurtful it is just that he will only open up to me so far. I have not found that anything he says to me has been untrue but I just don’t think he knows how to show emotion or allow anyone past a certain point before he closes off. When I take a step back and say we can go our separate ways with no hard feelings he immediately starts to tell me that is not what he wants that he wants to continue being involved.
One of the main problems for me is that there have been so many changes in my life in the last year that my heart and my head are overwhelmed and just need some quiet place to reflect and get out the thoughts that are swimming in my head.
I was married to the same man for over 19 years and we have to children that are almost grown. The divorce was my decision months before this man ever came back into my life. I decided that I couldn’t continue with a man that never progressed beyond the age of 20. He was a liar, irresponsible, who couldn’t get his shit together and I spent so many years covering for him that I was exhausted. I thought if I better myself he would want to do the same. I decided to go back to school and continue my education, I lost 175 lbs, I went into business with a very successful business partner that is helping to make me successful also and all the while I still felt like a failure. I couldn’t get this man, who I married when I was 19 years-old, to grow up or get any goal that did not involve fishing, cars or hunting off his mind. I could not convince him that I was worth the truth even though I never lied to him. Even when I was having feelings for someone else I told him, before anything ever happened I told him.. I never imagined I would reach the point where I no longer could stand the presence of the father of my children but that day did come and man did it come in like a freight train. Now I am left with a marriage that is broken with no hope of repair and my heart has moved on. Maybe part of this whole equation is that this man is unobtainable therefore I know deep down he can’t put me through what my ex-husband did. I don’t really know for sure and I am on a mission to try and figure this out. For now I will just spend the quiet hours in this quiet place to go.